Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
