You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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