anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
