i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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