the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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