I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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