your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
