We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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