This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
