i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
