I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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