Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
