The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
