I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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