I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
