There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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