I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
