Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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