everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
