Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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