If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i came on her dog
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
