Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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