seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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