my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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