I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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