That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
