did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
