I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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