First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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