Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
