Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
