Well douche your snatch and let's go!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
