That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
bring money and cleavage
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
