Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
