you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
