last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
