I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
my liver is dry heaving
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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