I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
