Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
