It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is Oprah even human
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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