Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
