Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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