these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
send nudes
from the living room?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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