wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
