I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
