im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Green mimosas i think yes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
