i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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