peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
