There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
