Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
bring money and cleavage
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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