She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
