I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
