i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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