You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Still dying that you shit outside
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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