Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
