we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
