He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
