I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
