we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
