I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Less talking, more tequila
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
