My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
no you cant smoke seaweed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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