Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
